Bipolar pregnancy and small wins!

My partner reminded me the other day that this has been the most successful winter I’ve had yet since my bipolar journey started 7 years ago. My medications cocktail, even chopped in half, were just right this winter. My psychosis has been in check for the majority of the winter. Most importantly, I’ve kept my highs and lows of mania and depression at bay.

This. Has. Never. Happened.

Every winter has been a whirlwind for me. From depression to mania and depression again as we transition out of the winter season into spring. Could pregnancy have anything to do with it? The hormones? The excitement of a new journey coming? Whatever the heck it is I’ll take it!!!!!

Because I’ve been searching for the meaning in all of this pregnancy journey.

It’s been a rainbow of ups, downs, and sideways array of symptoms. Trust me, I haven’t even had the worst of it compared to other women. But that’s exactly it, isn’t it? Comparison really is the thief of joy.

I haven’t really celebrated my third trimester because I’ve been beaten down and exhausted. Sleep has barely been a regular occurrence in my life, but today… today baby in utero let me sleep for 6 full consecutive hours. This has been the first day in my third trimester that it has happened and I am now 34 weeks. Now I am celebrating.

Today I am celebrating the small wins and victories in my life.

Living with bipolar disorder has not been an easy one and some people have told me that I’ve made it look easy. If there’s anything I’ve learned though, it’s that you get your medications right, find the right therapy for you, and you’re golden. I spent over 5 years tweaking, and tweaking before my medical team and I got it right.

When I reflect on my pregnancy journey and the last 7 years of living with bipolar disorder with my best friend and partner by my side, I think of my friends that I’ve gained, and the ones that have faded or walked away. And I am blessed and so very grateful.

I’ve never felt more grateful to be alive.

Because I fought to stay alive. My partner and I have built this beautiful life for ourselves and it wasn’t for a lack of trying. We’ve stared at death in the face and we know the definition of stayin’ alive.

It has been far from the disco. We’ve hung onto thin strands of thread to keep me alive.

7 years together of living with bipolar disorder.

2 hospitalizations together strong.

Multiple trips to specialists and the emergency department.

And you couldn’t even imagine the battles we’ve had fighting my naked ass trying to leave the house and run out in the frigid Canadian winters.

Or screaming over taking knives and all sorts of ropes from my hand. To this date, all our knives are sheathed for a reason because you just never know where psychosis could take me.

That’s just the skinny of it but I’ll leave the rest to our history.

We are now building a different - not new - life together, with an addition to our lives that will forever change our history.

Thank you universe for bringing this pregnancy and baby into our life. We owe it to you, my sweet bundle cooking inside, for making this the most successful winter yet. Cheers to you, mama, and papa. We can’t wait to meet you.

xoxo,

Joanne

P.S. Photo credit to Blue Rooster Photography in Ontario for capturing our pregnancy so beautifully.