Dormant depression is real

I like to call it dormant depression, but the real term for it is called dysthymia. In plain terms, you're an Eeyore in the world of Winnie the Pooh. Or gloomy with a relentless grey trickling rainy cloud over your head where you're NOT soaked, but just damp. Constantly. Who wants to be damp on the time?! Not me...

But I can feel it in my bones. I know dysthymia so well. I have lived with it for most of my life where I was always sad, unmotivated to do anything including basic self care like showering, feeling constantly fatigued, and most importantly, never good enough for anyone or anything. That was until I was properly medicated with mood stabilizing drugs like lamotrigine and antipsychotics like aripiprazole and valproic acid.

I've said bye-bye to my valproic acid this whole pregnancy because it's something you can't take while being pregnant. The trade off is that I'm starting to feel the shitty dysthymia back in my life with the days being shorter and nights dragging on longer. My biggest component to combatting this is taking at least 2000 IU of Vitamin D starting in September. I do it every year for several years now and I find it helps with my mood drastically.

On occasion, I need to toughen up my medication routine and increase to conquer the fall and winter months. And friends, it has officially started...

I'm now starting to ramp up my aripiprazole dose because of the dysthymia...

Because I feel sad inside constantly despite the happy face you see. Because I feel anxious most nights than not, twirling around and circles and pacing across the apartment floor. And I am just down right exhausted because I'm constantly trying so hard to be motivated, focused at work, and happy.

I've tried really hard to spend time outdoors as much as COVID will let you, going for long walks in nature and such. Yet deep down, I'm so, so, so sad. It's also probably why I'm shoving popcorn into my mouth and not fruits or something.

Do you ever feel like waking up and just crying every day? But you don't? You're just kind of... numb? Well that's part of my dysthymia.

*BIG SIGH*

*DEEP BREATHS*

If you're feeling the dysthymia, or just sad, that's OK. Winter is approaching and so are darker days, and truthfully 2020 has just sucked with COVID. But that's OK because we'll all get through it together - eventually. Plus, baby and I will just eat more popcorn because we feel like it.

If I could solicit advice to anyone who wants to get through dysthymia and seasonal affective depression (SAD)... it's do whatever the heck you want to feel happy. Be selfish. Indulge in the things you love. Self care is selfish sometimes and that's OK. Don't sacrifice your inner peace for the peace of others.

xoxo,

Joanne