My ovaries hurt

On occasion, my ovaries would hurt from my menstrual cycle.

This time my ovaries hurt because my lovely niece was born. I was at my sister's delivery from start to finish and gained a fullness inside my soul to care for this tiny human. Here I am now, writing my story...

Actually, I started writing my mommy-journey story back in 2018 when I first saw a perinatal psychiatrist. Wait - wait a what psychiatrist? Side note: a perinatal psychiatrist counsels you on your pregnancy basically.

Anyways, so I see this perinatal psychiatrist and she throws me off entirely and I spiral down into a frenzy. Like literally. I landed myself in the hospital again. Thankfully it was a ‘good-call-almost’ suicide attempt. There were a number of contributing factors at the time but this appointment was the knife that stabbed me in the stomach and was being turned ‘round and ‘round.

My heart dropped.

I didn’t expect to be on medications while I was pregnant.

I didn’t think it was safe enough and I certainly did not want that for my future baby even though I was reassured it was perfectly safe to stay on some of my medications.

And the kicker was that she felt I needed to stay on XYZ medications for 4-6 months to establish a “safe” baseline before even starting to try for a baby.

All in all, the whole process of being bipolar and starting to have a baby is frigging 4-6 months?!

It all sounded like garbage to me and I couldn’t accept it. In hindsight, what the heck was I expecting? A pregnancy full of hormones without my medications? What world do we live in? One with rainbows and unicorns?! I’ve got a history of suicide attempts and seizure medications that need to disappear from my medication routine. I can’t simply bust out one of Harry Potter’s spells and make it go away.

Of course, it must take less time, or no time at all for others, depending on what medications they’re on. It’s based on person to person and I am different.

Different is OK though. Everyone walks a different journey, so let’s walk hand in hand and get through this together. Ovaries and all.

xoxo,

Joanne