Pregnant Territory & My Bipolar Story

Pregnant territory is weird. By no means did I think it was going to be a walk in the park. I’ve been in the lives of many pregnant women so the nausea, vomiting, back pains, and absolute pure exhaustion (to name a few) is not unfamiliar to me. What’s stranger than strange is that I’ve been so emotional but not in the ways I’m used to being either in my high-highs or low-lows that my bipolar disorder has always brought on.

But let’s rewind for a second, shall we?

I was deathly afraid of being pregnant after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my early 20s. I didn’t want to go through the process of weaning off my medications in order to get pregnant, then bearing a child who could possibly be bipolar even if I gave it the best life. That, my friends, is a stark difference between the reality I was used to before I was diagnosed.

I had this white picket fence perfect life with my Ex where I wanted a dog and kids and blah blah blah.

Then we broke up after spending almost 8 years together…

Well, I broke up with him, realized my dreams were actually his dreams, and I had to figure out life on my own.

So what did I do, you ask? I had my 20-somethings rendezvous, which was mildly constructive.

I did the whole “get you yo best post break-up body”, yoga, eat clean, and namaste shit.

Then very unexpectedly, I met my husband and bestest friend on Tinder who I did not hook up with on the first date (was this a sign of a keeper? Or was this his trick?... we’ll never know).

The cherry on top was that in the midst of all of that, I began spiralling into mania which became full blown after I started taking antidepressants that my doctor prescribed to me for what was seemingly just a battle of depression post-8 year relationship break up. It made sense at the time.

Oh ya, where was I? Mania? Right. That friend of mine… oh, mania.

I had fast and loose sex, partied mid week with my friends, and boozed it up. Eventually that turned dark where I was alone. In my apartment. Boozing alone. And taking all of the prescribed medication I had.

That is where mania is NOT your friend, and well, mania eventually meets depression.

And again, in the midst of all that, I met my husband and bestest friend, who stuck with me and loved me through the light and dark of it all.

Today I am more emotional than ever but it’s all because of the pregnancy, and hey, I’m OK with that.

My fears? Entirely debunked.

I had heard the hormones in pregnancy could be healthy for some women and transform their bipolar lives for the better. I’ve also heard that it was the worst for some women, so I was really unsure which category I’d fall into. My luck and gamble with medications over the last 6 bipolar years have been not-so-great, so I’m overjoyed to say that I’m doing the best I’ve ever been.

So thank you weird pregnant territory. You’ve somehow and so far made the lonely nauseous vomiting nights A-OK. That’s really where the weird pregnant territory is; it’s the lonely nights of being awake, nauseous, and vomiting alone. Not that your partner doesn’t care, but they can only be by your side for so long. It’s not like they can stop the nauseous or vomiting either, or massage your back until the nausea goes away. They need sleep too! So it’s lonely and weird, but dear Universe, am I ever thankful to be pregnant.

My only prayer now is to have the healthiest baby I can ever hope for, whether it comes at 24 weeks or 41 weeks. I’m just so, so incredibly thankful to be present and pregnant with a baby I got to create with my best friend. Thank! You! Universe!

xoxo,

Joanne